I believe that many people around the world have at least once in their lives experienced how it is to be unsure about the relationship you have with the opposite sex.

I’m not talking about crushes. I’m talking about when two adult people meet and have an adult conversation about the development of their relationship and try to “solve” the problem they got into. We all know how uncomfortable uncertainty is. One way to build the bridge over this river of despair is to have a conversation like I did. With a very good friend of mine.

Somehow we got past the point of seeing each other as simply friends. You know what I mean: occasional look, occasional innocent sleepovers with neverending conversations about yourself, your dreams, your fears, and your desires. There was no kissing involved and there still is none present. But having a feeling of immense security with other human beings (that’s what I said to him) is just too big to be omitted from the great picture. And him saying “I’d never thought I’d care about you this much” or “I really did miss you” when I was gone for 3 days is, once again, something more than what friends tell each other.

Let me be frank: from time to time I considered being something more. But I was so afraid it’d ruin the friendship we have that I was so happy he brought the subject up. I was out of the country for 3 weeks and we were in daily contact. It wasn’t always nice, but some things from the past (especially my behaviour) had to be talked through. So we talked. Every single day. For 3 whole weeks. We never did it while being in the same city.

But back to the mature conversation we had. I’m not a great talker. But I was thinking deeply about what I could tell him. I forgot half the stuff, but feeling secure and safe with him was the most palpable and important for me. He, too, expressed his views on our relationship, he gave me pros and cons of my personality. And then…

…then we decided that we’ll leave it like it is. We’ll see how the things will or won’t develop and behave accordingly. If I wanted to hug him, I’d do it. If I was uncomfortable with him flirting around trying to find someone to date, I’d tell him. This works both ways.

In the end, as I have written in my earlier entrance, tags and labels do not matter to me. I do not like the expression best friend. I do not need to know whether or not we are a boyfriend and girlfriend. If we feel comfortable around each other and just enjoy the time we spend together, why make it official by putting a label on it? Some secrets need to stay secret, so only the two of you know what’s going on and how to make the most of it.




My journey

I spent one summer month travelling around the old continent so rich in cultures and history that the only thing I was able of was to stand in awe. I’ve realised many things. And trust me, it wasn’t easy all the time. There were some tears shed not because my plan was falling apart, but because someone very dear to my heart started to question my past deeds no matter of their character.

He made me realise so many things he knows for a long time period. Yeah, I’m so inexperienced in many, many things and there are vast quantities of qualities I’ve got to learn. But all the struggle and all the effort is worth when you see that the person for whom you are trying to change for better appreciates it and makes you feel your effort is not wasted.

On the other hand, some people can make you feel like only your physical presence in their lives bonds you. That even tough they are very creative with words, the have absolutely no need to contact you. And that hurts. A lot. Mainly because you thought you were sort of best friends, even if you hate the term. But the longer you know her, the more mysterious or even mystical she seems to be. Yet you’d give her your whole heart.

If there was only one thing I’ve come to realise throughout the last mont it would be this:

People are the best and the worst thing that could happen to you. You have no power over how much they can hurt you. You cannot influence their power over you. Yet you can decide how you’ll cope and either fight for them or lose them forever.




Dear (best) friend!

You know I hate the labels, thus the parentheses.

Do you know what sucks? When the people you love, you cherish, and appreciate for what they are, for what they are capable of, for what they long for and want to achieve underestimate their own powers. I know it’s stupid to brag about things you can do. But why always bring out only the negative aspects of your personality? It’s okay to mention them from time to time, I suppose. But when I am constantly bombarded by the fact that you lack healthy self-consciousness and lack the proper self-awareness, it really bothers me. In times like these, I feel like I need to help you that I want to help you for your own sake and also for the sake of our friendship.

I hate it when I have to face situations I cannot change whatsoever. I am here for you, to hear you out, to propose the solutions I in my own limited brain feel could work. But when you refuse to participate? When you refuse to do anything about the issue which bothers you the most, the issue we’ve already discussed millions of times, and you still haven’t found the strength, the inner power, the will to change it.

Why do I always feel that I have to apologise for my behaviour during our most serious conversations? Why do I have to make amends in order to be content, to not feel like you are slipping away, that the gap between us is becoming gorge and the vast space is filled with the unspoken? Why, just why, do we have to end almost all our serious conversations with you sending: ‘You know I just love dealing with this via FB!’? Just why cannot we discuss a thing in person? The reason is very simple: you hate to deal with this shit, you hate to share this shit with me. And yet, you share it with the guys. I am not jealous you’ve opened up to more people. I am more than happy! I am grateful that there are more people you are willing to share your life with.

I just want a simple text in sense of I’m alive, I’ll tell you more in person, and stuff like that. We’ve talked about this several times and you know how important the small stuff is for me. I won’t push anything. I’m not that kind of person. I am not even mad. I am not disappointed. It just saddens me. That’s all.

You wanted to give me the chance to miss you. So there you are! You got what you wanted and I do not want to sound sulky or bitter. I am giving you the freedom you long for. For I know that if I won’t make the first step to contact you, you won’t do it.

Hope you’ll look for me when you need me. You know how to reach me.





Have you ever wondered how much energy and time do you allocate to the very maintenance of a relationship? Or how many people are you forced to divide it among?

I am that kind of person who, how to put it correctly and understandably, has no need to divide her attention between many. I keep a close group of friends consisting of a few members. I like it that way. Sometimes I put energy into the restoration of older friendships which were in their essence strong, but somehow, over the years, the communication has failed to fulfil the purpose.

I am addicted to the closest members of my friend circle. I literally want to spend most of my free time talking/writing/drinking/eating/thinking of them, with them, around them. I need to be around them either physically, virtually, emotionally, or at least in my mind. However, I’d rather cut them out from my dream world, because there’s some creepy stuff going on in them.

Nevertheless, I put myself into the relationship with my closest friends. I’d text with them every single day. Once I got used to them, there’s no way I’m letting them go, unless the do some stupid, stupidly stupendous mistake which would make me resent them. So far, very few did that to me, even though I did some crazy ish. Stuff which could have put the basis for the insurmountable obstacles preventing any further development of a relationship.

Once you got to know me, and you are able to cope with my modes of self-induced mental disability aka when I go full retard, once they realise I know some stuff and that my shallowness is purely superficial, they might get to the point when they say to themselves “I like her because she’s like no one I’ve ever met.”

I, too, want to become a drug for my friends. I want them to need me as much as I need them. I want them to long for my company every once in a while. I want them to want to tell me the news from their lives. I want them to need to share their lives with me. I want them to want me.

I allocate my resources very carefully. But if I choose you, you may prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions, experiences, and memories, you’d want to share with generations.





One of my many concerns about friendship is how much information am I allowed to deliver from one friend to another without upsetting either of them. I do not mean like talking behind their backs and talking wrongly. Just simple chit-chats, something like He told me that….she wrote me that….I’ll show you a picture of them doing….

This stuff bothers me. This is enrooted I real situation:

Enjoying a nice evening with a couple of friends. We were talking about ourselves, mentioned our common friends, what went on in their lives. One of my girlfriends (not hanging out with us that night) had this thing going on with a boy. She told me stuff, asked for relationship advice (I am the one person you go to – we all know that the single people give single-handedly the best relationship advice!). I shared veeery little of this information, together with a photograph which was innocent (two people sitting next to each other) with the rest. She freaked the hell out and the text said: I’ll kill you.

I was taken aback and her reaction really startled me. I had that horrible feeling, that once again it was I who messed up, not her. I once again felt guilty and asked for forgiveness. It was given to me, but I paid by no other currency than by emotions.

I had a feeling I did nothing wrong, we had a good chuckle with the others and moved on with our evening. She wanted to dig deep and so she did.

But back to sharing: is there no sharing allowed when you want to discuss your experiences or conversations with someone else? How much is too much? Is showing a picture crossing the line?

You know, there are times when you cannot figure some of your friends’ behaviour out all by yourself. You need that second opinion. Other times even third. Maybe I’m just lousy at guessing and I do not know the borders. Maybe my friends are (over-)protective about their personal lives and want to share the info with just you. However, my common sense still hasn’t deteriorated and I use it from time-to-time. But it has that miraculous off switch once my boyfriend came around and ask those bloody nosey question. They are not bad. They just want to be part of the life you’re leading.

I won’t stop sharing the petty stuff. They make the conversations flowing, the time passing and create awesome associations with the lives of actual participants of the conversation. I’m a sharing person and do not mind my friend talking about me because I trust them (more or less) completely. Doubting them would do no good. I’d only hurt myself. And there’s enough pain in this world already.