I believe that many people around the world have at least once in their lives experienced how it is to be unsure about the relationship you have with the opposite sex.

I’m not talking about crushes. I’m talking about when two adult people meet and have an adult conversation about the development of their relationship and try to “solve” the problem they got into. We all know how uncomfortable uncertainty is. One way to build the bridge over this river of despair is to have a conversation like I did. With a very good friend of mine.

Somehow we got past the point of seeing each other as simply friends. You know what I mean: occasional look, occasional innocent sleepovers with neverending conversations about yourself, your dreams, your fears, and your desires. There was no kissing involved and there still is none present. But having a feeling of immense security with other human beings (that’s what I said to him) is just too big to be omitted from the great picture. And him saying “I’d never thought I’d care about you this much” or “I really did miss you” when I was gone for 3 days is, once again, something more than what friends tell each other.

Let me be frank: from time to time I considered being something more. But I was so afraid it’d ruin the friendship we have that I was so happy he brought the subject up. I was out of the country for 3 weeks and we were in daily contact. It wasn’t always nice, but some things from the past (especially my behaviour) had to be talked through. So we talked. Every single day. For 3 whole weeks. We never did it while being in the same city.

But back to the mature conversation we had. I’m not a great talker. But I was thinking deeply about what I could tell him. I forgot half the stuff, but feeling secure and safe with him was the most palpable and important for me. He, too, expressed his views on our relationship, he gave me pros and cons of my personality. And then…

…then we decided that we’ll leave it like it is. We’ll see how the things will or won’t develop and behave accordingly. If I wanted to hug him, I’d do it. If I was uncomfortable with him flirting around trying to find someone to date, I’d tell him. This works both ways.

In the end, as I have written in my earlier entrance, tags and labels do not matter to me. I do not like the expression best friend. I do not need to know whether or not we are a boyfriend and girlfriend. If we feel comfortable around each other and just enjoy the time we spend together, why make it official by putting a label on it? Some secrets need to stay secret, so only the two of you know what’s going on and how to make the most of it.




My journey

I spent one summer month travelling around the old continent so rich in cultures and history that the only thing I was able of was to stand in awe. I’ve realised many things. And trust me, it wasn’t easy all the time. There were some tears shed not because my plan was falling apart, but because someone very dear to my heart started to question my past deeds no matter of their character.

He made me realise so many things he knows for a long time period. Yeah, I’m so inexperienced in many, many things and there are vast quantities of qualities I’ve got to learn. But all the struggle and all the effort is worth when you see that the person for whom you are trying to change for better appreciates it and makes you feel your effort is not wasted.

On the other hand, some people can make you feel like only your physical presence in their lives bonds you. That even tough they are very creative with words, the have absolutely no need to contact you. And that hurts. A lot. Mainly because you thought you were sort of best friends, even if you hate the term. But the longer you know her, the more mysterious or even mystical she seems to be. Yet you’d give her your whole heart.

If there was only one thing I’ve come to realise throughout the last mont it would be this:

People are the best and the worst thing that could happen to you. You have no power over how much they can hurt you. You cannot influence their power over you. Yet you can decide how you’ll cope and either fight for them or lose them forever.





Have you ever wondered how much energy and time do you allocate to the very maintenance of a relationship? Or how many people are you forced to divide it among?

I am that kind of person who, how to put it correctly and understandably, has no need to divide her attention between many. I keep a close group of friends consisting of a few members. I like it that way. Sometimes I put energy into the restoration of older friendships which were in their essence strong, but somehow, over the years, the communication has failed to fulfil the purpose.

I am addicted to the closest members of my friend circle. I literally want to spend most of my free time talking/writing/drinking/eating/thinking of them, with them, around them. I need to be around them either physically, virtually, emotionally, or at least in my mind. However, I’d rather cut them out from my dream world, because there’s some creepy stuff going on in them.

Nevertheless, I put myself into the relationship with my closest friends. I’d text with them every single day. Once I got used to them, there’s no way I’m letting them go, unless the do some stupid, stupidly stupendous mistake which would make me resent them. So far, very few did that to me, even though I did some crazy ish. Stuff which could have put the basis for the insurmountable obstacles preventing any further development of a relationship.

Once you got to know me, and you are able to cope with my modes of self-induced mental disability aka when I go full retard, once they realise I know some stuff and that my shallowness is purely superficial, they might get to the point when they say to themselves “I like her because she’s like no one I’ve ever met.”

I, too, want to become a drug for my friends. I want them to need me as much as I need them. I want them to long for my company every once in a while. I want them to want to tell me the news from their lives. I want them to need to share their lives with me. I want them to want me.

I allocate my resources very carefully. But if I choose you, you may prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions, experiences, and memories, you’d want to share with generations.




Love just happened…

I’m happy and sad at the same moment. My good friend just agreed to try it out with the girl he wanted for some period of time. That’s nice that he was persistent. But the thing that bothers me the most is the most recent history. I do not care what she did or even who she did a couple of months. But on Saturday she made out as with him as with his good friend.

I am happy for him. That after 6 years of holding grudges and not wanting to commit and being refused by women just as he shared his bed with them, he finally did it and decided to do it. To be in a relationship. But why with her?

I’ve told him a couple of times already, that he has a poor choice of women. He argued they chose him and not the other way around. So why did he voluntarily chose a woman, who at first was willing to sacrifice a good and perspective relationship with HIM (trust me, he’d do anything for the woman of his choice) for 4 months of sex with Tavoy (her work and travel bouncer from the last summer)? This Tavoy guy must have been a really good lover because he was providing 4 more women with his services. And she knew it and she didn’t mind it and she wanted to do it again.

He is such amazing man! However, I do not think this relationship is a good idea, concerning his past with her friends. I just feel like I want to cry over his decision. I will support him, I even approve of his relationship, but I won’t be very happy about it. Even though I may feel like he’s making a mistake (just as I thought that the second time my sister started dating this guy who is now her fiancé), I am his friend and I was lucky enough to be the first one he told. I really appreciate and value him as a person, so I’ll cherish my relationship with him, no matter what.

Nevertheless, this just proved the everlasting and never-dying theory that in love anything is possible. Anything and everything can be forgiven and forgotten as soon as one is infatuated by someone. I am still startled and stunned by what can people do for those, who catch their romantic attention.

BUT! If she hurts him, I’ll hate the hell out of her!