Friendship

Dear (best) friend!

You know I hate the labels, thus the parentheses.

Do you know what sucks? When the people you love, you cherish, and appreciate for what they are, for what they are capable of, for what they long for and want to achieve underestimate their own powers. I know it’s stupid to brag about things you can do. But why always bring out only the negative aspects of your personality? It’s okay to mention them from time to time, I suppose. But when I am constantly bombarded by the fact that you lack healthy self-consciousness and lack the proper self-awareness, it really bothers me. In times like these, I feel like I need to help you that I want to help you for your own sake and also for the sake of our friendship.

I hate it when I have to face situations I cannot change whatsoever. I am here for you, to hear you out, to propose the solutions I in my own limited brain feel could work. But when you refuse to participate? When you refuse to do anything about the issue which bothers you the most, the issue we’ve already discussed millions of times, and you still haven’t found the strength, the inner power, the will to change it.

Why do I always feel that I have to apologise for my behaviour during our most serious conversations? Why do I have to make amends in order to be content, to not feel like you are slipping away, that the gap between us is becoming gorge and the vast space is filled with the unspoken? Why, just why, do we have to end almost all our serious conversations with you sending: ‘You know I just love dealing with this via FB!’? Just why cannot we discuss a thing in person? The reason is very simple: you hate to deal with this shit, you hate to share this shit with me. And yet, you share it with the guys. I am not jealous you’ve opened up to more people. I am more than happy! I am grateful that there are more people you are willing to share your life with.

I just want a simple text in sense of I’m alive, I’ll tell you more in person, and stuff like that. We’ve talked about this several times and you know how important the small stuff is for me. I won’t push anything. I’m not that kind of person. I am not even mad. I am not disappointed. It just saddens me. That’s all.

You wanted to give me the chance to miss you. So there you are! You got what you wanted and I do not want to sound sulky or bitter. I am giving you the freedom you long for. For I know that if I won’t make the first step to contact you, you won’t do it.

Hope you’ll look for me when you need me. You know how to reach me.

XOXO

IvuhaHa

Friendship

ADDICTED TO PEOPLE

Have you ever wondered how much energy and time do you allocate to the very maintenance of a relationship? Or how many people are you forced to divide it among?

I am that kind of person who, how to put it correctly and understandably, has no need to divide her attention between many. I keep a close group of friends consisting of a few members. I like it that way. Sometimes I put energy into the restoration of older friendships which were in their essence strong, but somehow, over the years, the communication has failed to fulfil the purpose.

I am addicted to the closest members of my friend circle. I literally want to spend most of my free time talking/writing/drinking/eating/thinking of them, with them, around them. I need to be around them either physically, virtually, emotionally, or at least in my mind. However, I’d rather cut them out from my dream world, because there’s some creepy stuff going on in them.

Nevertheless, I put myself into the relationship with my closest friends. I’d text with them every single day. Once I got used to them, there’s no way I’m letting them go, unless the do some stupid, stupidly stupendous mistake which would make me resent them. So far, very few did that to me, even though I did some crazy ish. Stuff which could have put the basis for the insurmountable obstacles preventing any further development of a relationship.

Once you got to know me, and you are able to cope with my modes of self-induced mental disability aka when I go full retard, once they realise I know some stuff and that my shallowness is purely superficial, they might get to the point when they say to themselves “I like her because she’s like no one I’ve ever met.”

I, too, want to become a drug for my friends. I want them to need me as much as I need them. I want them to long for my company every once in a while. I want them to want to tell me the news from their lives. I want them to need to share their lives with me. I want them to want me.

I allocate my resources very carefully. But if I choose you, you may prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions, experiences, and memories, you’d want to share with generations.

XOXO

IvuhaHa