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HOW TO BECOME INSTANTLY DEPRESSED (by a very cheerfull event)?!

Let’s imagine a very real situation. Your only sister, who is older, should be wiser, definitely skinnier and far more experienced in the dating and relationship area announces you that her boyfriend, who you definitely do not find appealing or even consider a human being of any sex, thus genderless, finally proposed and they are engaged to get married.

You had no worries because everything will surely go well, your mother will have enough money to pay for a fair share of wedding expenses, you will have a gorgeous dress of any colour you like (no bridesmaid bullsh*t in my country with those hideous dresses!), awesome hairdo, comfy new heels.

Suddenly she reminds you, that you are permitted if not obliged to bring a plus one and it has to be a MAN!

Where the hell am I supposed to get one? Let me be clear: me and man? It was never a real deal. Some occasional flings, yes. Dating? Who would voluntarily go on a second, god-forbid, third date with such a mess as I am? Thus the real relationship thing had never occurred. Not yet.

To be fair to you, my fellow human beings, almost all of us (almost as I hate generalisations and nothing is applicable to anyone unless it’s connected with the very essence of being a member of species Homo sapiens sapiens) have at one point of their short or long lives came across a fellow human who was interested in more than being just friends. So what that you kissed? By knowing him all the romantic feelings, as well as the alcohol enhancing those “emotions” flushed down the toiled together with the vomit and the urine. Am I too harsh? Am I too straightforward? Well, that’s just me being me. I can’t really influence my very essence, or can I? Let’s leave this for some other self-pitying session.

He tries to know you better, initiates conversations, you discuss very deep and personal, even intimate issues. Yet, you can’t overcome the feeling, nothing more will ever happen. You just do not want it to happen.

But back to the wedding and your plus 1. You certainly want to bring someone to hold onto, since your high-heels time hasn’t come yet. You want someone to whisper how gorgeous you look, how not chubby you are, how well behaved sister and not at all drunk guest you ended up as. We ALL want that freaking +1!! Don’t we?

I can enjoy myself at the wedding perfectly well. I did it on all those weddings I’ve already attended as a teen and a respectable young adult. But now, when it’s HER wedding, I do not want to look like a loser in front of a whole family. (Not that I care too much about what they think of my relationship status).

Oh, Gosh! You have 18 months to get in shape (finally, as you are AGAIN near the look of a walrus), find the perfect dress to suit your personality as well as body shape (hopefully not one of a cone), and to find that “lucky” or even genuinely lucky man to accompany my precious self to THE wedding of the year 2017.

XOXO

IvuhaHa

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